There is Hope!

Someone asked me once, “Was it worth it?”  My answer was yes.  To get to the other side and feel the love and happiness I feel now, it was worth it to stick it out.  I will never forget that later she told me that moment gave her hope.  Another marriage had been on my heart and I had starting writing this for someone else but suddenly it became clear to me that this was for her marriage.  It is for any marriage or person that is struggling in their marriage or even maybe those who want to take a proactive approach to avoid some struggles by learning from others mistakes.  Whether you have been married for a short time and unhappy, you have spent many years in a marriage that has been struggling or unfulfilling, or you just want to protect your marriage from being unhappy and learn from someone else’s mistakes, take the time to read this and seriously think about the commitment you made when you got married and what that means in the life of your marriage and family.  As I began to write this letter, God absolutely spoke to me through His Word, so along the way I will be sharing that word with you.  If you are serious about changing your situation, please take the time to read all of those scriptures that I reference.  His instruction book gives us clear direction for everything that we face, especially in our marriage.  Some of this may step on your toes a bit, but use it to self reflect and if you twinge at certain points and feel conviction when you read it, most likely it was for you.  If you feel angry and still want to give up, then you need to take a serious look at your relationship with God and his word and decide if you are going to actually make the decision today to live as he called you to live or give up like the world and Satan tells you to.  I got it wrong for many, many years and I am so incredibly thankful through God and many wise counselors, that I realized the errors of my way.  Notice I said the errors of MY way, not the errors of my spouses way.  For a long time, I thought it was about the errors of his ways.  It was so easy to point out his faults and not look at my own.  It was not until I changed myself and drew closer to God and relied on him for my happiness and fulfillment, that I truly changed from the inside out.  The only regret that I have is that I did not do it sooner to find the happiness that I have now…but then, maybe things would be different and I would not be in this moment that I think God has placed us in to maybe help another marriage.

For those that have no hope…

If one of you is suffering at the words or actions of the other, you may feel hopeless.  You may feel that God is not listening to your prayers or “working” on your spouse fast enough.  Read Psalms 22.  David writes a prayer that can carry you from great suffering to great joy if you truly believe God’s word and that he will lead you out of your suffering.  That is what he promises.  One day when you reach your final destination, this suffering on earth will be a distant memory.  With this prayer you can stand before him and show that you trusted him through your suffering.  I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep.  Psalm 6 shows that God can rescue you in times of trouble.  David must have cried himself to sleep too.  But he writes that the Lord heard his cry for mercy and accepted his prayer.  He poured out his heart to God just as we can.  (Verses 6-9)  Remember that your circumstances here are only temporary and in Romans 5:3-4, God’s Word says, “but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”  Have hope today…according to the promises of His Word.  Please keep in mind that I am not referring to physical abuse.  God would never want that type of suffering on anyone and if you are in that situation, you need to immediately seek professional help for your safety and the safety of your children, if you have children involved.

For those who have children…

This one could take pages and pages to write but for the sake of losing anyones attention even though I have a lot more to say on this subject, I am going to try to keep it plain and simple.  You and your spouse are making a lasting impression on your children on what marriage is supposed to be like.  Stop and think about that for a minute.  Would you tell your child to marry a person like you and have a marriage like yours?  If the answer is no, then decide today to change and begin to show them what a Godly marriage is supposed to look like.  Study and show them what a woman of God is and how she should treat her husband or study and show them how a man of God is supposed to be the spiritual leader of their home and care for and love his wife.  It does not say anywhere to do these things only if they are nice to you.  These are not conditional commands from God that you can only follow if your spouse is nice to you or if they deserve it.  There may be damage done to your children’s perspective of marriage at this point, but that damage can be reversed through love and repentance.  Through the restoring of your yourself and/or your marriage, you can show them what true forgiveness and grace is in the flesh.  When you show them how to forgive someone that does not necessarily deserve it due to their actions, it will be the best thing you ever did for them.  Ask my children.  Our marriage is a living proof of this.  Though we are definitely not perfect, our children now see that we love each other regardless of our past and now know that a marriage should not be based on what they have seen in the past!  It took us way too long to get it right.  Don’t wait.  You are making a lasting impression on your children daily.  Show them what a marriage should look like as God designed it and be an example of one that you would hope they model one day.

For those that have been unfaithful…

Whether it is looking at pornography, an emotional affair, or a full blown affair that you have given yourself to someone other than your spouse, the pain of this is real.  It comes in many forms and it destroys families.  It destroys people.  It destroys a persons ability to love.  It leaves your spouse feeling unwanted and disregarded.  If you are the spouse that has been unfaithful, regardless of the reason, then you have some work to do.  I hate to say it but it is some hard work that will not be done with a simple I am sorry.  Even though God wants marriages to be restored even through it, this is one thing that God says a person can leave a marriage for because he knows the pain that this causes.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus took the time to specifically say “Do not commit adultery.  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  He also says, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress.”  The key right there is the except for marital unfaithfulness.  I hope you get that.  If you have committed adultery, you have broken one of the Ten Commandments that God himself spoke and gave us as a way to live a life of holiness.  As a believer, I think God knows the pain that this can cause in a person and gives this one exception to his command of remaining married.  If your spouse has chosen to forgive you and stay, then you should consider yourself blessed and be eternally grateful and spend your life showing that spouse the love they deserve.  They may have forgiven you, but know that there may be lasting feelings of fear and doubt that you are going to have to be sympathetic to.  Instead of getting mad about that (or referring to the things they have done wrong to try to deflect it from your mistake ~ which happens often), just continue to give those constant reminders of your love and focus on the fact that you are truly sorry for those vows that you broke and this one thing that causes tremendous pain in a person.  Then, take the time to read Song of Songs 4 and delight in your spouse like that!  If there is one thing that can restore a marriage and a heart it is that kind of love and passion.  That is how God intended marriage.  You need to be a source of refreshment and security for your spouse because the world is not.  Pouring into them and making them feel loved will make that pain go away and become a distant memory.

For those that your spouse has been unfaithful…

If you are the spouse that has been violated in this way, you will have ups and downs in the journey of forgiveness, but with God all things are possible and you can overcome it and rebuild your marriage if you make the choice to and if your spouse is remorseful and willing to try.  In this moment, use that forgiveness and grace that God extends to you and extend it to your spouse.  It will be a long road but one that can strengthen your marriage when you get to the other side.  While the Bible does say that divorce is not permissible except for with unfaithfulness, there should still be an effort to forgive, reconcile and restore your marriage instead of just leaving.  The most important thing to do is seek Godly counseling from a person that can walk you through this process of restoration.  Society and your friends may not agree with this, but put God first and read and study Matthew 6:14-15.

For those that there has been no unfaithfulness…

If this has not been an issue in your marriage that is wonderful.  Protect it.

Proverbs 5 is a warning against adultery.  Starting in verse 15, it gives strict advice to be faithful to the spouse God gave you.  To let them be yours alone.  To be satisfied always and captivated by her love.  That is what God intended.  Not what society has turned it into.  Again, read Song of Songs 4 and put some passion in your marriage.  For some I know this is hard(especially some of the guys) but God designed us to desire this passion and there are plenty of ways to achieve this so that your spouse will be so filled with your love and you will in turn be protecting your marriage.  My bible has some notes for Proverbs 7:25-27 that sums it up perfectly….There are three definite steps you can take to avoid sexual sins.  First, guard your mind.  Don’t read books, look at pictures, or encourage fantasies that stimulate the wrong desires.  Second, keep away from settings and friends that tempt you to sin.  Third, don’t think only of the moment – focus on the future.  Today’s thrill may lead to tomorrow’s ruin.  Protect your marriage.

For those that have a spouse that is not a Christ follower…

This one is a tough one because there are those situations that a spouse is truly not Christ-follower, and then those situations where they claim to be, but are not living a Christ centered life.  So my advice to you is simple.  First, fix your own self.  Quit worrying about their salvation and focus on yours.  Second, pray for your spouse.  And I do not mean just once.  I mean diligently.  Go online and look up the prayer card Lifting my Husband through prayer or Lifting my Wife through prayer from Family Life Today.  Take that prayer and pray it over your spouse.  Now back to you.  Your salvation and your happiness is NOT based on your spouse, their salvation and their happiness.  It is based on your faith and your relationship with God.  Stop blaming them.  If they don’t go to church with you….Go anyway.  If they don’t read their bible….Read anyway.  If they don’t pray….Pray anyway.  If they are not acting like Christ-followers….don’t follow in their footsteps.  In 1 Peter 3 starting in verse one, Peter is speaking to wives.  The key in the first verse as it relates to this is that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Change from the inside out and show your husband God, don’t just tell him about it. (Because Lord knows we sure do like to “tell” our husbands things!) I used to get upset if he would call me out for not being “Christian-like”, now I realize that I am not acting Christ-like in those moments when I may do something wrong.  He is right.  While I am a sinner and thankfully forgiven by grace, I am supposed to be be showing an example of Jesus.  In verse 7, he talks to the men and says be considerate of your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.  Men ~ that is some serious stuff!  if you are Christ-followers and not being considerate and respectful of your wife, he says your prayers will be hindered!  I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want my prayers hindered!  He is warning you right there, that you are the protector of your wife and he is not saying just weaker in the physical sense.  No matter how strong she is, a Godly woman wants and needs that love and protection from her spouse (she may not even know that yet).  That is the way God designed us.  So both men and women….put your relationship with God first in your life and pray diligently for your spouse.  You never know when that day will come.  It did for me.

For those that have left and those left behind…

There may be a time that you feel a separation is needed when tempers are flaring and if you are not able to work things out in the same household.  Or you may already have made the decision to get a divorce or take time apart.  This is a challenging thing either way.  Just remember that it is important for you to take that time to reflect on what God wants for your life not what you want for your life.  Sometimes during that separation you can feel better and less stressed because the conflict may be eliminated on a day to day basis.  But what you have to remember is that is not fixing the problem, it is just running from it.  God wants marriages to work and be restored.  Just because you think your life will be easier on your own without the pressures of marriage, that is not what God wants if you are following his will for your life.  The commitment you made was for life.  Just because things get difficult does not mean that you should break that commitment.  Don’t use this “freedom” as a “I can do what I want” and make mistakes in your life that you can not take back.  If you are separated, use this time to sit back and reflect on yourself and your issues in the marriage and strengthen your relationship with God which can in turn flow over into the rebuilding of yourself and maybe even the rebuilding of your marriage.  Just because you are separated does not mean your marriage is over.  There is always hope for restoration.  Check out this video….http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/the-scruggs/

For those living together trying to “work it out”…

If you have made the decision to try to work out your marriage problems and are going to stay together, it obviously often does not mean that the troubles and pain will not go away instantly.  Unless you are extremely dedicated and make an immediate radical change, the years of not getting along are probably not just going to change overnight.  Remember that it took time to damage your marriage and each other, so you have to take the time AND energy to fix it.  It is just like losing weight.  If it took you years to put on 50 pounds, you are not going to wake up tomorrow and drop it off.  It takes work and discipline to accomplish that weight loss just as it will take work and discipline to restore your marriage.  Just make sure that you set clear goals and even rules about how you will handle things.  It may sound crazy to think you need rules but when we started to really try to change our marriage one of the rules that we had was that we were not allowed to bring up the past.  Things were way to sensitive at that point to be able to do that.  If either of us did, the other was quick to remind them that that was not allowed.  Dredging up the past when your in this rebuilding phase can be dangerous.  Focus on where you want to go instead of where you have been.  Learn how to be friends again and date.  Learn how to break those bad habits of getting upset that they left out their shoes or did not wash the dishes and learn to appreciate the things that they do and focus on what you can do for them even if you are not getting anything in return.  Again if you are a Christ-follower, you are held to a different standard and can not necessarily expect that you will get the same things in return from a spouse that is not a Christ-follower.  You are going to have to love through it if you are going to make the commitment to stay.  Whether it is your first time “trying” to “work it out” or your 100th, just remember this verse.  Colossians 3:12-13 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  Ponder those words for a moment.  If you can stop and learn to retrain your way of thinking and treating your spouse regardless of the circumstances you are in, I can assure you that despite what happens in your marriage, you will be blessed and rewarded for your obedience for what God calls us to do.  Remember to pray about your marriage together.  Fast together for your marriage.  The bible says, “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”  Think about that for a minute.  If it is in God’s will for every marriage to succeed, and both of you, who are believers, can agree to ask God to fix your marriage according to his will, then when you come together in his name, he is there with you and your request will be granted.  He will give you the strength to fix your marriage if you are willing.  He does not promise that it will be easy and it will require you to infuse your life with the fruits of the spirit(Galatians 5:22-23), but he gives you the tool to succeed…His Word.  Read it.  Study it.  Live by it.

For those having financial difficulties…

This can be one of the most stressful things in a marriage.  No wonder it is one of the leading causes of divorce today.  The pressures are real and until you learn to work together as a couple and make decisions together and stick to them, you will continue to struggle and stay in the current situation you are in.  The solution is simple.  A plan.  A plan for your income, debt, saving for your future.  All those things that couples love to talk about and have a hard time getting on the same page.  There are some really smart people in this world and one thing that I have learned is that if you take the time to listen and learn from those smart people, then you can help to fix your mistakes of the past, improve your current situation and change your future.  One of those amazingly smart people is Dave Ramsey.  He has a great and very simple plan that you can take and apply to your life that will make a huge difference if you truly follow it!  It is not easy and requires some major changes and discipline, but as with anything else in life ~ if you work, you will be rewarded.  Get the Total Money Makeover or the Financial Peace University and follow it.  Find a class.  Take the time.  It will change your life and your finances.

For those who have friends or family struggling in their marriage…

Marriage is hard.  Relationships are hard.  If you walked up and you saw a friend drowning in a lake or a pool, what would you do?  Would you do everything in your power to save that friend or would you stand on the sideline and watch them drown and even say things to give them less hope of survival or to encourage their drowning.  Every single day that we stand by and watch those close to us suffer in their marriages and even get on the soapbox about how terrible their spouse is, we are contributing to the fall of their marriage.  After all, what better person to help a couple, than friends or family.  Counselors are great and often needed in situations, but sometimes it can just take encouragement, fellowship, conversations (sometimes ones with hard topics) and pouring love and Jesus into them to help to bring them back to life.  It is hard to step out there.  You may feel like it is none of your business.  In reality, most of the time they are screaming inside for someone to help them.  They would love for another person to give another perspective that just may make a difference.  Sometimes it can just take a friend, a conversation, a person that steps out there….To change a marriage.  To change the world one home at a time.  Don’t just throw them a rope, come down and get them and help pull them out, don’t wait until they get in trouble and are hopeless.  Bob Lepene said it perfectly on a radio broadcast I recently listened to…If God has brought your marriage from death to life, you just can’t help telling other people, can you?

I have not written this as a bystander of failed marriages.  I have written this as a wife of a marriage that could have failed if we had given up, many times.  I have written this as a child of a failed marriage.  I have written this as a friend and bystander of troubled and failed marriages.  I have written this as a friend of some really happy and strong marriages.  I definitely am not a counselor and have no formal training but some would say I have been to the school of hard knocks.  Whatever you want to call it, I know that if God can use me by sharing my story and this advice from others that I have watched, than it is worth sharing.

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.  Mark 10:9